Some things are fated. Just think, Jerry could have skipped his cup of coffee this morning before his nine o'clock and not needed the restroom at the beginning of his session in the Huntsman Reading Room at the library. But he DID have his coffee--and was privileged to overhear a true "ohmygoshIcan'tbelieveIamhearingthis!" moment.
Jerry struggles with the public restroom system in general. The dingy lighting, conspicuously missing Jaws soundtrack, and the knowledge that you are exposed to the world with nothing but a connect-the-dots partition for protection (not to mention the colonies of viral plague) seem to create a stress counterproductive to using the "rest"room. However, guys have devised their own code of conduct to facilitate the necessary evil. They enter, take care of business, actively avoid eye contact, and, for all intents and purposes, pretend they are the only one in the room. There is certainly no conversation.
Jerry knows this, and was disturbed to hear voices upon entering the room. He was even further disturbed to find what appeared to be only one other person in the room: a set of particularly sad flat tennis shoes in the far stall. His disturbance culminated in the awful realization that tennishoes was on the phone...while peeing. Jerry assumed his vacant stare at the wall and listened.
"No Mom, I already know how you feel about that; you don't need to tell me. *silence* Well, I am sorry you feel that way. *not so silent silence* I just need to get my life together. *voice breaks slightly* No, I'm not being sarcastic. I don't know what I'm doing. You're always telling me I need to get my life together and I do. *silence* You don't really mean that--no, Mom...*voice breaks, sob is heard*...*swearing*...(call is over)..."
Jerry hurried out as quickly as possible.
"...I need to get my life together..." starting with a heart-to-heart in a public restroom while ON THE JOHN. Tennishoes, is not this perchance one of the travesties of your life that needs "got together?" Perhaps she can't take you seriously because she smells the insincerity of your plight.
Jerry is grateful fate saw fit to offer him this perspective adjustment: when he gets discouraged--thinking he can't take it anymore--he will remember he has not been dumped by his mom in a public restroom while peeing.
Pithy officially declares unnecessary talking in a public restroom as an item fit for the "Dislikes" list, and presume to condemn anyone who would speak ON THE PHONE while peeing (among other things), flushing, and washing as inconsiderate. This behavior should be reserved for telemarketers--not mothers!
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1 week ago
4 comments:
Its a sad day when a person can no longer have a heart to heart conversation with their mother while sitting on the pot in a public restroom without having their personall buiness blasted out to the enitire universe through the world wide web. A sad day indeed =(
Just in case you think I've not been reading and enjoying your almost edible epitaphs, here I am. Your breezy bantering helps relieve the dizzy doldrums of some days. (Most days lately.) They refresh the senses and clean the mental slate from its dusty cobwebs.
Keep them coming. Your audience, albeit silent, thanks you.
Hahaha....some would call that ironic. I love it when life offers such wonderful perspectives. You have to look on the bright side of things! Laugh at Mr. Tennis Shoes. Laugh! Then later, when life seems lost in the doldrum-hum-hum rhythm of life, you can unconsciously draw on such a memory and, without realizing it, laugh out loud. The silent stares will be enough to keep you laughing, maybe even bringing it to a hysterical momentum, but you will be laughing!
well, couldn't laugh when it happened--like we said, eyes forward, hands to yourself, take care of your business....it was awkward enough that some of us are still trying to laugh without the defensive guilt of not wanting to be there in the first place washing over us in waves of smelly florescent lighting and monotone blowdryers...
We keep it on the shelf though...most definately...
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