"Thank you for being the best part...*cough*"

Pithy has found the crux with customer relation jobs and why they can be so frustrating. Agents are trained to consider themselves customer “care” representatives. However, customers are told to call in to customer “service” if they have any issues. This presents a quandary. Care-givers or servants? And is there a difference? We have all been told by our mom—or at least Pithy has…repeatedly: “Clean up your room, I’m not your maid.” The first time we heard this revelatory statement, we were appropriately shocked—didn’t she care?—weren’t we her responsibility?—what did she hope to accomplish by making us clean up our own mess? But now time has worn us down, and we catch ourselves joining the ranks of those who refuse to be maids. Service?—fine, but let’s get some things straight…

DON’T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU. Jerry had a moment at work today where he felt so sorry for a customer whose phone had been lost by the post office that he personally spoke with every supervisor in the chain of screaming until he finally got the site leader to override the system and send the customer a new phone free of charge. When the order was processed and the only charge remaining the $17 state taxes, Jerry almost used his own credit card when the customer could not afford to pay, and would have if he had not found a way to bend the system. Jerry would not have done this had the customer been the Neanderthal that Jerry later spoke with whose vocabulary was so lacking in adjectives that they all seemed to be related in some way to a certain four letter word. Reason suggests that when we want someone to give us something, or to provide a service beyond the agreed expectations, we should probably treat them nice. There stands a very good chance that if you yell obscenities and hardly allow the rep to speak, their giveashit meter will drop—significantly—as the task of “caring” for you at this point transcends the realm of reason…not even your mom puts up with that.

YOU ARE DISPENSIBLE. Sales agents are the ones that tell you whatever you want to hear—their paycheck depends on it. Once hooked under contract, a care rep is your best friend—they are the only people paid to care about you. Care reps tell you what you need to know to survive—sorry, it might hurt that you went over your price plan and have overages and don’t want to go to a higher plan…but you live in the real world, and when you buy something it usually requires paying for it. If you mess it up—you clean it up. Threatening to cancel your account (and get charged a $320 ETF—probably not the next best action for someone sick of spending money) is not going to change the fact that paying only for 450 minutes, but using 830 minutes, is stealing. The company gave you what they said they would—what’s your problem? Go ahead, cancel—it’s a multi-billion dollar corporation—I’m sure you’re Dallas Texas ego will be sorely missed.

IT’S NOT ME IT’S YOU—but I’m so nice, I’m going to let you think it’s me cuz that’s what I’m paid to do. However, I didn’t use your phone, I didn’t call Spain, I’m not being charged $348—I didn’t drop my iPhone in the toilet and am now wondering why it’s having a hard time getting service—I didn’t put my sim card in a smart phone and then lie about it so I wouldn’t be charged for a data feature…even though I used so much data that the package would be like a birthday present—I didn’t mistake the dollar sign next to the 0.00 as a five and call in to rage about a fifty dollar charge on my bill…I wore my glasses today. However, as this call will be monitored for quality purposes, I will apologize for the misunderstanding, tell you not to worry about the way you treated me when you realized what a total jerk you look like, and ask you if there is anything else I can help with.

After the Latino and Asian accents so distorted they hardly resemble any variation of English, the obscenities, the tears, the passive-aggressive, the just aggressive, the so old that the highlight of their day is calling 611, the confused, the stupid, the belligerent, and the oh so few pleasant—Pithy truly does feel like a parent required to love whatever comes their way (except in our case love is a huge exaggeration—not like with our own mother who lives to love us). As a parent, we strive to equip those we care for with skills that will serve them throughout their lives, and hope they will go on to be decent, productive humans. The ethicality of tantrums as a manipulation tactic was questionable even at the age of two—Mr. Customer, it’s time to grow up and solve your problems like a big kid. It involves a smile, mutual understanding, a willingness to reach a compromise, and a parting handshake. Look—all grown up.

Pithy debated publishing this—it does lack a certain amount of our characteristic panache; these words have a sense of unbridled angst more fitting a rant on craigslist than this venue. But, we did promise the days of our lives as it were—hoping you find the profundity. If you don’t, we will help: Jesus is watching, even calls to customer care—don’t be a jerk.